Re: Seeking someone to help me in grooming kitty!

From: steve-l2me@...
Belmont, CA 94002
Sun Nov 16 16:36:29 2008

At 01:03 PM 11/16/2008, PRodoni (Woodside) wrote:
>Get ready for a Fight in the tub tho...

I've kept the story below for many years...
and I hope you all enjoy it as much as I do!


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CAT BATHING AS A MARTIAL ART

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick
themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their
saliva that works like new, improved Wisk: dislodging the dirt where it
hides and whisking it away.

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind
believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty
odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the
throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must
look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and
announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some
advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and
head for the bathtub:

- Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of
concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that
advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area
where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your
bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with
the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower.
(A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply
rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

- Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all
the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know
how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into
high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a
hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

- Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when
you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the
bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can
be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

- Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply
carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire.
They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your
garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment
for J.C. Penney.)

- Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a
single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide
the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You
have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

- Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur,
and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for
more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must
remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then
spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The
national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

- Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume
this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at
this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is
simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the
cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug
with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat
will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best
thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.)
After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach
down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will
usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time
sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the
fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a
rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for
life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

But at least now he smells a lot better.

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